Life and Times of Dory

I Knew It

2008-02-24T23:41:00.000-08:00

I knew it. Today I admitted it. I am frustrated and disenchanted by IJM. Something that God used me to build a year ago, was suffering from a lack of commitment and a loss of vision. In the back of my mind, guilt haunted me. I knew I had not been faithful to it and I had not sown much and as a result failed to reap much. I knew that my passion was losing its luster and that it was at times what inspired others to fight for justice. I knew my heart was hard, my dreams were small and my faith was lost.

What was stirring in my heart, God brought to light today. I knew it. My discontent was growing. IJM was becoming too dependent on me. If i left today, it could not survive on its own. A friend woke me up today from my slumber. I was brought back the vision and purpose of why I felt so strong about creating the chapter.

1) IJM is for the church: It is to raise up a generation who will believe God for freedom and redemption in the nations. It for a church that will rise up and would believe God for more; that would seek his heart and be wrecked for the oppressed, hurting and dying.

2) IJM is for the nations: It is for those who are in bondage and suffering from the horrors of human trafficking. It for the ONE. It is for the freedom of the child in the brothel. It for the future of the family trapped in a brick kiln tricked into accumulating a debt that could never be paid off.

Do I believe God has a destiny and a purpose for IJM at UCLA? Do I believe that what God started here, he will be faithful to finish? Would I be willing to sow, care, and partner with God to see its full potential ? Would I remember God's crazy faithfulness to IJM in the past year? These are questions and convictions that I am faced with.

Life and Death

2008-02-02T11:19:00.000-08:00

My stomach turns. It's the result of a mixture of excitement and uncertainty. In a moment of distraction and mild relief, I admire the shiny hardwood floors and dim lighting, I affirm once again that this is the best coffee shop in westwood. As I peruse the menu, I look accross as if I could somehow guess what Paula and Amit were pondering. I opt for Jasmine tea-light, daniel-fast approved, and comforting. The waitress takes our orders and akwardly our discussion begins.

Amit was a first year student that Paula and I randomly met through a series of strange occurences that can only be described as God ordained. At the end of our last meeting we had swapted numbers and had agreed to meet for a spiritual discussion.

Seeker bible studies, spritual discussions, GIGs etc., are strangely a familiar and comfortable setting for me. Coming into this meeting with Amit, God was showing me something new. An hour before the meeting, I was griped with the reality of life and death.

It is common for people to say they want to be doctors because they want to save lives, I say I want to share my faith because I want to save souls. This past week God's been hitting me with the spiritual reality of what we do and honestly sometimes I wanna run away from any responsibility God has entrusted to me. Evangelism can be this emotional rollercoaster for me. You pray for people, hope for them and share you life with them, but at the end of the day it's only the mercy of God that can bring them to that understanding of Jesus. To see someone come so close to touching Jesus, but turn their backs and walk away in fear or doubt, can be the most disturbing and troubling thing for me that is hard to shake at times.

Amit is a guy who admits to seeing signs from Jesus, but cannot put aside his own philosophy and rationale to take a step of faith. While sitting in that coffee shop for two hours, i knew i wasn't having a spiritual discussion, but God spoke to me that I was warring for a man's soul. In the midst of muffins and tea and students studying rigorously, we were trying to save a man's life. I hate thinking of it like that someitmes because pressure and responsibility of it can get to me even knowing that it's not in my hands. At the end of the night Paula handed him a track because he wanted to "try" christianity to see if it was real.

So much of the battle is fought on our knees and without our witness. Paula receives a call a few days later from the guy. He tells her that he followed the 4 steps listed in the track and afterwards turned to look in the mirror. Instead of seeing just himself, he sees Jesus standing before him. He is startled and overwhelmed. His logic and rationale cannot explain what he saw and in fact contradicts the very assertion of Jesus' divinity. There is a statistic that shows that 30% of Muslims convert by seeing Jesus showing himself to them in a vision or dream. Jesus is undeniable.

Memoirs from the wilderness

2008-01-02T11:35:00.000-08:00

There’s been way too much going on my head to not put any of it down on paper. This last month was probably one of the hardest months I’ve had in the last 4 years. At the hardest points I felt that nothing could heal me and the God I knew could not reach me. A month, 30 days, can really change you. I’m still changing, but I know I am different than before. This doesn’t mean I’m not going to be making any mistakes, but it means that the past didn’t happen in vain. Along the way, I’ve become stronger, wiser and more healed. I am maybe a shred closer to understanding God and myself. A foundation is being laid that cannot be shaken.

The last week going into Christmas, I’ve dealt and wrestled with myself and the demons in my own life. I faced a tumultuous journey of hating myself, feeling unloved, undesired and that I had nothing to offer. I felt jealousy, fear, and waves of immense doubt if I could ever overcome this and see God again. After desperate, and faithless prayers, nightmares, and a consuming state of depression, self loathing, and self pity, I’ve come a long way. Here are some of the things I’ve learned:

God and life is funny. Sometimes a cut it takes for a wound to begin healing. One time I had a horrible eye infection and the doctor decided he was going to take a knife to my eye to scrape off a piece of the infection so that he could test it. Sounds scary huh? After he made the cut, the wound began to heal. My wounds are healing and maybe I needed a cut to know something was broken there.

There will always be things in your life that you cannot control whether it’s circumstances or impulsive feelings. What God gives you the ability to control is your response to these situations. You have the choice. You can sit in your despair, but at the end of the day all you have is your despair. Or you can take all your hurt and sadness and allow the Holy Spirit to change you from the inside out. It is our response to our times of weakness that shape and define who we are at the end of the day. Choose what kind of woman or man you want to be and let your response reflect that. God is giving you the choice.

Many people including myself would call me an optimistic and idealistic person. What this experience has taught me is that with maturity comes our growth in weakness and in failure. Being optimistic does not equate to be someone who is full of faith. Maturity comes with the acceptance of human limitations and that some things must be “let go.” It does not let the heart grow weary or jaded or sit in pain, but it acknowledges and receives healing and continues forward. It is a new optimism, one that always hopes, but has the strength to face the disappointments.

Do not let anything in this world define who you are. I believe this is the key to experiencing the fullness of God. One night I felt like God just shook me and said, “You are beautiful, talented, smart, capable and most importantly loved by me.” When God speaks something over you, it’s not just His opinion of you. It’s pure truth. No one else has a say in that. Anything else that rivals that word is false. If I can just keep my eyes focused on Him than nothing on this earth could touch me. God have mercy on me.

Brennan Manning wrote something in Ragamuffin Gospel that I thought was quite profound. He said paraphrased, ‘Our hope is not based on the idea that we are going to be free of pain and suffering. Rather is it based on the freedom from it.’ However serious we believe Good Friday is, we are confident that Easter Sunday lies ahead of us. Jesus never said it would be easy. He told us that he was sending us out like lamb in the midst of wolves. What he did tell us that we would never be alone and that whatever suffering we experienced on earth was not compared to the eternal weight of glory we would experience in heaven. Manning also saids, “Jesus was not victorious because He never flinched, talked back, or questioned, but having flinched, talked back and questioned, He remained faithful.”

I can say today God has given me a deeper strength that I will hold with me and use to bless others. I am starting to believe that the best counselors, friends, parents and teachers are those who have experienced a great deal of pain and have received a great deal of healing. It is this wisdom that only comes from years of walking with our Father that can help others in their own walks.

I am scared to go back to LA. I’m scared that I will be shaken and that every ounce of strength in me will be drained and my hopes will be crushed. I’m scared that I am going to fall back into a whirlwind of negative thoughts, horrible self image and isolation from God. There are times I believe I’m a fighter and times when I want to just leave Passion Church. Something God spoke to me over Christmas break was who and what are you doing this for. When did my motivation become me and others and not God? When did I start pleasing others before pleasing God? I came to PC because I believed God was calling me to minister to the lost at UCLA. I obey Him because I love Him. It’s just that simple, I love Him and I want to do this for Him. I also believe that He loves me and that there is nothing that I can give Him back that even compare to what He’s given to me. Somewhere along the way, it became about me and not Him. I’m going back to PC in 2 days because I came here to serve Him and minister to Him. I’m going to love those who hurt me and forgive those who hurt me, because simply He has called me to. I want to do what I know is right simply because that is what He would have done. I can do this only with Him. I have his word that He won’t leave me and I trust in it.

Love

2007-12-13T10:46:00.001-08:00

What I need is a constant and lasting revelation of God's love in my life these days. I miss the days when i never doubted God's love for me and everything made so much sense and things seemed so clear.

It is very hard for me to receive love from people. I came into this school year out of a place of intimacy with God and believing i had to be strong in Him for the sake of Passion Church and revival at UCLA. I made sure to gather every bit of tenacity and strength in my spirit to fulfill a faithful calling. I told myself that whatever hurt me along the way, i had to keep going.

I believed i had to lay down my rights, my thoughts and my feelings so that His will could be accomplished. Today, I find myself doubting people's love for me and forgetting God's love for me.

Frustrated

2007-12-08T23:57:00.000-08:00

uuggh! I feel so irritated. I feel almost guilty for feeling like this. I keep asking myself, why are you feeling like this? Get over it; what you're feeling isn't justified. I came to the conclusion that I am feeling irritated over these few things: (yes, I made a list so i can understand how i'm feeling haha)

1) Dissatisfaction with Christian Culture: Lately I've been going through this phase where i'm sick of christian culture. I'm sick of the lingo and the trends. I don't want meetings, i don't want fancy songs or prayers, i don't want a temporary feeling, i don't want a conference. All I want is God for who He is. I want true transformation. I want don't want a temporary high.

I've seen Christianity done so many different ways. I've heard contridictory sermons. I've seen cultures worship differently, stress the importance of different biblical concepts, do evangelism differently, etc. Believe it our not, holiness looks different in different churches. I know it's the same God and the same body, but I feel like our culture defines what being Christian should look like and what our relationship with God looks like. I'm sick of everything that is driven by culture, i just want the real thing. I want 100% pure God. I don't want to do a program for some encounter, i want the true and living God each day every day, 24/7 with me. Anyways, this is a late night rant, i may regret everything i'm saying in the morning...

2) My messy apt: I wouldn't call myself a clean freak, cuz i'm not. But i think the messiness level of my apt is affecting me in subconsious ways. I spent the last 1 1/2 hours cleaning my apt tonight and i'm just annoyed about how dirty it gets. I hate myself for being annoyed at this, because i contribute the messiness too and i hate complaining. My whole motto is instead of complaining, contribute to the solution of the issue.

3) Never finding a husband: haha, i never talk about this, but tonight i will. I realized after talking to a friend tonight that i have little faith that i will ever be with someone I want to be with. Firstly, there are no christian men in general, let alone specifically ones that fit the same spiritual DNA and that I like. Yes, i need to remind myself of the christian answers and rely on God as my coping mechanism, but i wanted to express my frustration at least this once.

Lately i've also just been feeling alone, like no one understands me but God. Anyways, hopefully tomorrow i'll be feeling better and more cheerful. It feels good to be real.

Doing it right?

2007-11-26T16:06:00.000-08:00

Sometimes i get really troubled trying to figure out how to do Christianity "right". I know it sounds stupid, but the longer I am a Christian, the more there seems to be a method to living the Christian life. There's tons of books on how to live a balanced Christian life or have the right perspective on who God is. I am surrounded by many people of faith that i deeply respect and admire that share with me their take and strategy to the healthy Christian walk.

Should i pray for hours, should i evangelize today? Am I not caring enough about this or that? Why do i feel like I am just not enough for it? For what? For organized religion? i dunno, for church planting?

Jesus i love you and I will give you my heart and my life. God I just want to be where you are. Is it my fault that there is no revival? am i not praying enough? is it my fault that the world is the way it is? am i not doing enough? am i not doing it right? God I sure hope you are bigger than me. I hope this isn't up to me.

One time i was walking by De Neve and I saw a little boy on a skateboard being pushed by his dad. The boy had the happiest look on his face, he was riding the skateboard and doing none of the work but enjoying the ride. When I saw that, i immediately thought, that's how life with God is. I need to believe that God is pushing that skateboard behind me; that He is doing immeasurebly more with what little i can do than I can see.

God Rejoices in His Works

2007-11-16T17:34:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been dealing with a lot of insecurities. I feel like i'm actually dealing with them now and acknowledging that they are there. I'm pursuing healing, but not focusing on my brokeness. I think recently I've had a hard time thinking that I'm enough- that's i'm spiritual enough, likeable enough, pretty enough, etc . In my sin, i look at others and desire to be like them and I dislike myself, because they're accepted, or they're "spiritual." I feel like God is healing me in this. It's so easy for me to just withdraw when i feel this way. When I desire to be loved in community and don't feel loved, i will just stop caring. It's probably some sort of coping mechanism to protect myself from hurting.

I was listening to John Piper's message on God taking pleasure in His Creation. It was awesome. He talked about how in Psalm 104, God rejoices in His works because they show His glory, His wisdom, and His power. He talked about how God's works are an expression of His glory. I don't think I or many others see themselves as the expression of the glory of God. Piper encouraged the body to be who they were created to be and who they were gave God enjoyment. God takes joy and delight in his creation. There are beautiful sights that no man will ever see, but only God will enjoy them. That blows my mind! There are gorgeous flowers on mountain tops that no one can see, but are created for the enjoyment of God. I received a prophetic word in Kansas City this past summer where a woman told me that I was made beautiful not for men's eyes but for the eyes of God. I have this frustration time to time where i feel like people put me in a box and that's i'm so much more than what meets the eye. I have this frustration that since I'm quiet and introverted no one can see that, but you know, God sees that and honestly i think i'm realizing that I was created for God's enjoyment. God enjoys the hidden parts of me, i might even say their purpose was reserved for God to enjoy first before others. I am encouraged to be who i was made to be. It also makes me think of what it looks like to be who i was created to be.

I feel like my insecurity stiffles and hides who i was meant to be. I was meant to shine, not before others, but before God. I do things on my own a lot. I do ministry indepently a lot too. In that place i feel, the most security and i feel the most free. I want this to me true wherever I go and whoever I'm with. It's just so awesome that God delights in me being me. That He desires for me to be free, to be healed, to be at my fullest potential.

It's so hard to believe that I am a reflection of God's glory, but it's true, God delights in creation because it is a reflection of His own glory.

"May the glory of the Lord endure forever; may the Lord rejoice in His works."- Psalm 104:31

Coffee Shop Prophetic Evangelism

2007-11-13T17:11:00.000-08:00

This morning when I was praying for God to give me a grace with the prophetic. I have a hard time believing that I can hear from God. Evangelism does not scare, the prophetic does. I feel like God is urging me to trust Him and allow Him to do miracles and demonstrate His power through me. It's good for me, because it makes evangelism all about God and not about me.

So today I went out to bruinwalk evangelism with Myles and a few others. I made a sign that said, "God is Real. Let his show you." I held it out for a little while but no one was approaching me. I got some weird looks but nothing was happening. I decided to wait on God. I felt like God was telling me that he was sending me to get wet and engtangeled in the lives of people. I couldn't just stand off to the side but i had to sink myself deep into the lives of people. I've always asked God to allow me to love people and be part of their lives. This is an answer to prayer.

So afterwards I went to do "coffee shop prophetic evangelism" haha. I sat with my computer at this table where I'm usually at. It's the perfect table to practice prophetic words cuz you sit next to random people all who do not know each other. I asked God to speak to me and give me a word of knowledge about each of them. So the first girl I meet, I felt like God was telling me that she was president or at least high up with an organization on campus. So I felt God give me the courage and faith to ask her so I did. She said she was not president but she was on the board for Bruins for Israel. She asked me if i was part of any organizations and I said yes, PC and IJM. I explained what Passion Church was in the in the simpliest way I could and took down my info and said she would e-mail if we wanted to do events together. It thought that was interesting. I gave my info to at least 2 other organizations that day to see if i could network with social groups on campus and develop my sphere of influence. God once again is telling me I need to get my hands wet with student issues and student life on campus.

The second girl i was sitting next to I felt like God told me that she wanted to be a teacher. I waited like 30 minutes to finally ask her. She said yes right away that she did want to be a teacher. I was excited of course. I explained to her why i asked and she told me she was a christian. I encouraged her to pursue her destiny and she was thankful. I thought God or odd? SO i was like God give me another word for someone.

Another girl sat down next to me. She had left earlier but had now returned. Earlier I felt like God was telling me that she had a difficult time sleeping. So i asked her, "do u have a hard time sleeping ?" And she responded "No! My conscience is clean." hahaha I explained to her what i was doing and that i was trying to hear from God. She finally came clean and was like "honestly i did have a hard time sleeping last night cuz i was thinking about some stuff" haha yea to my surprise. She asked me when i started developing this gift and i explained to her that i believed God speaks to people and that i recently started trying it out to bless and encourage people. She told me she didn';t believe in organized religion but believed in something bigger out there. I told her about how i do evangelistic type bible studies and she told me she would facebook me. I'll keep praying for her.

It's crazy though what God does when you step out in faith. I'm encouraged and realizing that God does want to use me and can if i am willing to let him. =)

Supernatural on Campus I

2007-11-10T01:41:00.000-08:00

I felt like the dreams of my heart have been reawakened. Recently i have been feeling this dissatisaction with the church. We were meant to live and walk as Jesus did. Jesus gave us the authority to heal the sick and cast out demons. Why do i not see that in the church today? It's in God' word. It is was were commanded to do. It is what we were meant to do.

Banning tonight talked about how a gospel of power is not negociable. The kingdom of God is within us. We were meant walk in the fullness of God. Lord I want this fullness. Lord I want you. Lord I believe you are a God of power; of signs, wonders and miracles. God i love you. He talked about how God is just looking for a few. Satan is concerned about all believers, he's concerned about the dangerous few who will walk with radical faith and do damage to work. Lord I want to walk dangerously. I want to love dangerously. Lord I want to "take over the world" for you. God would i dream big once again. I loved what Banning said tonight. Lord you want to do miracles, you want to come to UCLA, we don't have to beg you to come, you want to be here and you are just waiting for us to call your name. Lord I ask that you fill your people with radical obedience and radical boldness. Lord make us unstoppable. Give us big dreams once again. Lord awaken my heart to yours again. I love you. I want to walk expecting the impossible, i want to believe in the God in your Word. We're not fighting for survival, we're taking over the world. Lord I believe that the gift of healing and prophesy is not reserved for a selected few but that you want to pour it out to the masses. Lord give me the faith to receive it. Lord give me the faith to fight for the anointing even God. Lord so many times I feel that I'm not deserving of it but i realized tonight that i mostly just desire or fight for it because i'm afraid of not receiving it. Lord but i say God i want to receive your anointing God. Lord give me more of you; i pray that you would fan the giftings and passion and heart in me God. For your glory and not my own Lord.

First Post!

2007-11-05T23:40:00.001-08:00

Hello personal blog!
Hopefully i will be seeing you a lot. I will be able to record my inmost thoughts and reflections on God and life. It will be exciting, new, adventurous, draining and painful at times. Nonetheless you will be recording a memoir of the life and times of dory. Enjoy the ride =)